The cycle clearly had to break – Five minutes in and no shirtless Sean so it’s safe to say that the milk I was drinking was going to stay in my mouth – no drooling needed this episode. But in any case we start off this week in Whitefish where the self-professed “outdoorsy” Bachelor is ready to “buck some hay” with the 11 remaining ladies of the season.
First things first – I call BS on Sean’s outdoorsy-ness. He lives and Dallas and Sean I have my sources telling me that you don’t hop in a canoe or gallop on a horse in your spare time. You live above a Starbucks for crying out loud – one that serves pasteurized milk!
The Hills are Alive with Roses:
First up is pint sized Lindsay and from what I can tell as these two make their way to the “bad-a$$” helicopter they look they are shooting one of those walking Christmas cards with their matching plaid shirts! Adorbs! As they whisk away to the skies of Whitefish – I can’t help but remember what a little bird told me today… though you can’t believe all the rumors – it was said that The City of Whitefish, MT (…and maybe the tourism board) had a lot to do with why they ended up shooting in what is attempting to become the next “Jackson Hole.” Though I may not know much about either state sounds like a good PR move to me – let’s move the bachelor here… that will bring in the Real Estate market! (..nope and especially not if Tierra made the trip!)
In any case Miss Lindsay and Sean clearly have a “blessed” connection as they make out and talk on the cliff – it was as if it was the Sound of Music the sequel – where little blonde Fredrich escapes back into the countryside with a general’s daughter. (You can’t make this stuff up…). As Lindsay’s past comes to light I thought divulging her fears about here Dad was a pretty perfect thing to set the stage for Sean’s most shocking comment – It’s episode 5 and he’s already calling Lindsay wife material. With that said Lindsay gets a rose and oh wait sure a concert- with the rest of Whitefish, MT.
This would probably my nightmare realized – I doubt I would be happy with a few hundred people surrounding me and already a group of cameras in the middle of a town square. It’s like a Radio City Broadway show music lynching with a no-name Sarah Darling singing me a song… I would bet money that Sean didn’t know who Sarah Darling was before Elan Gale (producer) whispered it in his ear… but in all consolation Sean’s a man – picking her up, pretty cute!
Crying Over Spilt Milk:
So as the group date rolls around Daniella is walking towards the obstacle course the least prepared. I am not going to lie – that would be me. The girl with the impractical shoes. As they walk towards their “hood-rat backwoods” relay goats and all – (yep, this seems like something that would be on Buckwild but with a lot less clothing) someone does ask the most brilliant question – “Are those dogs?”
Chris gather’s the girls and explains to them that they will be participating as two teams canoeing, buckin’ hay (which I didn’t know you could “buck” hay…) and drinking goats milk and the four that emerge victorious – get “special 25% cocktail time” with Sean. NO GOAT MILK is worth the quarter of a man’s time – HELL no goat milk is worth any man’s time… I would rather rub feet and we all know how I feel about those… (I shudder!) So as Canoe’s go off course and Catherine paddles like a pacific island Samoan, the most outdoorsy thing we see Sean do is run along the bank of a river – yep outdoorsy all right – it’s time for the bale chuckin’, hay buckin’ part. Let me just say also how much I love Daniella for holding her boobs to her chest as she ran back for each bale…. I feel ya girl! Luck is where preparedness meets opportunity and you we’re not prepared at all! I totally sympathize… Nonetheless after Bessie the goat kicks the bucket – literally the red team pulls in the lead only to have one of the most impressive bachelor moves in history follow shortly after! DES – if you can chug that goat milk like that – you can be the anchor on my flip cup team any time – that was some serious well… you get the picture.
With the red team remaining victorious – the girls head on to the cocktail party. Sean takes pity on he blue team and invites them back which turns out to be the most fruitful decision of the night. By welcoming back Catherine, Daniella, Ashlee and Lesley he turns on the charm forming new bonds with our little Samoan – Catherine and Daniella!!!! First off, Sean and Catherine are pretty cute together – their 12 year old school girl/boy giddiness – captain of the football team, artsy girl with a nose ring views like a Rom-Com and I’m diggin’ it! I have no doubt Catherine is on the scene for sure – she’s the ONION – slowly peeling the layers – she’s my Chris Lambton pick!
But then there is Daniella who I couldn’t be more proud of. Like I have said from the beginning I really identify most with her – right down to the little quirks. She saw Catherine and Sean cuddling and diplomatically (and yes to her detriment…) bowed out. Though her emotions got the best of her I am still so happy Sean looked past that the kiss between these two was adorable and I am happy she got the rose.
Sorry for Party Crashin’:
But of course what is a group date without a party crasher – notice the creepy picture to the right. There isn’t much to say about this except Tierra is killing me – she’s GREAT entertainment and when she goes I pray that this blog doesn’t get super boring! Tierra you’re nuts… like a squirrel who can’t find her nuts – nuts! You’re unnecessary commentary not only makes me think you’re getting a “bat s#*t crazy edit” but you have got to be a little whack to start off with… Thank you for making this such an entertaining, like knife throwing like at a circus, VERY entertaining episode.
1 + 2 = Really Effing Awkward:
Now this is the part of every season where I swear the silences take up more time than the actual conversations – the 2-on-1 date. Now that we have found out that “Sammy Sweetheart – Jersey Shore little sister Tierra” is going on a date with the red-headed Barbie friend, we take off once again to the backwoods of Montana for Sean to find a “connection” with these two among the wilderness and woodland creatures – it’s like Snow White meets the dating game. Tierra I sadly had to hope that your “arm-candy” bracelets got caught in the reigns just so we could see them call another ambulance and Elan Gales crazy producer hair again… but such is life and I don’t always get my way.
When Sean pulls Jackie aside the first thing I thought was her skin is FLAWLESS, beauty regimen report please! The second thing I thought was oh here we go – Kacie B. word vomit all over again. But somehow in her omissions to warn Sean again about Tierra the biggest mind boggling situation happens – he kisses her. It was like he didn’t hear a thing and said well I want to kiss your purple lips – no spark no rose. Over dinner, awkward silences and huge gulps of wine Sean whisks away Tierra and let’s Jackie finish her mashed potatoes. While talking with Tierra she saw her “SOB STORY” opening – and went for it! My drug addict boyfriend, his death, the sadness, the misery… what bothered me wasn’t the story what bothered me was her stone cold expression. Enough said something ain’t right there…
As the night comes to a close – Sean makes a huge BONEHEAD move and chooses Tierra! If you hadn’t redeemed yourself in your Ryan Seacrest interview the other day Sean I would be giving you a piece of my mind! All is maybe forgiven with your horrendous blinded by jersey shore –ness.
Sean sadly sends Jackie packing… but a walk to the limo doesn’t come without a warning – this is limo exit #2 with a warning – don’t things come in 3’s?
Rose Ceremony #5
Ya my funny bone/creative juices died with this section title but maybe it’s because I am emotionally drained by Tierra’s cray-b*!ch in Whitefish stunts. One thing that stood out however was Des’s point about Sean giving roses to the “damaged” – it seemed like that was the case – cry hard enough and you’re seeing red on a stick. But as each girl has their sparring match with Tierra all I could think about was what if one of those coyotes in the background would came to life and bit her – all night at the museum like. Because she is a Scorpio would she “bite back?”
All in all Sean got the straightest answer out of Lesley M. – the politico. I have to say I was impressed with her P.C. answer when Sean asked her to tell him what was really going on in the house between Tierra and the other girls. But all in all – roses needed to be handed girls needed to smirk and not going to lie – I wasn’t surprised one bit when Robyn got sent home – I don’t see fights in the kitchen going well between our blondie Bachelor if she’s willing to channel her inner bad girls club.
That’s all I got folks! See you tomorrow night with a blog DOUBLE FEATURE – Second night of the bachelor returns and I can’t wait to see Tierra freeze like a Popsicle! Do you think they sell Tierra popsicles on the Jersey Shore boardwalk? I see a marketing plan!
P.S. Can we find out how much Chris Harrison’s therapy session bill rate is? I WANT ONE!
P.P.S – (see photo – Thanks Essie!)- PRB
© Copyright 2013 – Images courtesy of ABC Studios, Next Entertainment (NTZ)