BACHELOR JUAN PABLO: THE FAWKWARD FINALE

The time for recap games have past right? I mean let’s be honest we all know the “really effing awkward” outcome and if the AFTR special is any consolation the prize JP won – an award acknowledging that Juan Pablo serves up a bowl of marshmallow bullsh!t better than the Lucky Charms leprechaun. (It’s almost St. Patty’s – just go with it….).

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I could go through all the details like 1. How Juan Pablo’s family was about 2 seconds away from passing Clare and Nikki noted under the table saying get out now as if they had been trapped in a TV watching internment camp for the past 10 years. Or 2. How after 7 weeks of non-real life dating all Juan Pablo could muster was a simple “I love doing* you,” to an impressionable young hair dresser from Sacramento. Or 3. How he basically sucker punched ever female bone in Nikki’s body only to turn her into his talking parrot and say “Sure, I’ll commit to a loveless relationship – Ess okay!”

*This is the point where I bow out – we all know the real profanity used.
 

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But I won’t because recapping all of that nonsense that made me want to throw something at my television would be simply petty, pathetic and make me want to slap the next person that tried to tell me – “Ess okay” in face. If you want that – I suggest reading THIS for the details, THIS for the snarky details and stay RIGHT HERE for a recap of the only hour that matters – the After The Final Rose Special.

After The Final Rose – aka. Where Shit Got REAL! 

So, congratulations to the happy….couple? Was this finale even real? Because Chris Harrison you were right – we haven’t seen a classy finale like this since a Real World season where streaking was the norm. For the record – LOVED Nikki’s dress, Juan Pablo iron your shirt next time… Have we gotten to that level yet, where clearly now this franchise is straight up pimps and the ADA’s that follow in their footsteps? Is this Law and Order – Criminal Intent?

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I digress. In any case – Chris Harrison new he had 40 minutes before a HUGE GIANT SURPRISE that he knew was going to send ratings through the roof if it was to come to fruition. (please as if this trainwreck steered by this Spanish snake wasn’t enough…).

Clare’s Hot Seat

Okay, after this girls exit – my opinion of Ms. Sassy herself Clare Crawley totally changed! If there was a time for a cross body finger snap – that was it. So of course ATFR, while sitting with Chris we recapped how she loved his family, how adorable his daughter was blah, blah, blah… but we wanted to really know 1 thing – what the H-E-L-L did he say to her? Aka. the most perverse thing you want to hear only solidifying that they did it a la ocean style and the fantasy suite may have been something out of a fifty shades novel.

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But in any case – good for you Clare for test driving the car before you bought. Too bad he got WAY too used to you revving his engine. It’s always the best part when you see the #2 coming back looking better than ever. In this case Clare’s, “No! pshhhh, I don’t want to see that loser and be fed more BS – this tummy’s full and I have closure,” bit was perfect! Just enough to stick it to Juan Pablo on national television.

The Robot and the Spanish Snake – A NEW Love Story

My GOD! This was soooooo painful to watch! Who knew it was even possible there was a Bachelor out there that was more of a d!#k than Ben Flajnik! (Yes, I’ve been doing this a while.) I have been pulling for Nikki from the beginning with high hopes that her strength would be able to help crack El Bachelor’s hard shell but it looks like we hit a new wall!

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Now after a few other statements have now come out that Nikki and Juan Pablo ARE in fact are in love (evidenced by Chris Harrison’s blog post and this recent JP tweet) it only further solidifies how manipulative this Bachelor is. He would rather stick it to the producers and NOT express his feelings on national television and additionally would rather give Chris Harrison the big “F-you,” and credit going back on his word to you know that he was – “just being honest.” Ess Okay Juan Pablo – we know you’re not a master schemer for one reason… the schemer’s M.O. is to come out looking good at the end – you just manage to make yourself look more like an ass.

What’s the Spanish phrase for Tete-a-tete?

Oh sweet “I barely speak English” Juan Pablo. Now while I have no issues at all with our bi-tri-multi lingual population I do have an issue with deception. Thinking you could steer the AFTR ship teasing some big surprise and attempting to dethrone Chris Harrison master of roses – 12 year veteran of the kissing/sex journey you just took around the world all the while having the most recent Bachelor, Sean/Catherine’s success story in studio with you at the same time while you attempted to put your master plan in action – MAJOR amateur douche move dude!

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“You just freed up 20 minutes for me to barrage you with questions – didn’t think that one through did you….?”

Juan Pablo – Normally I would write you and the ladies a letter at this point apologizing for all of my “hard digs” my sarcastic undercuts and then end it with the break up of my television horrified that I have kept standing dates with it for TWO hours every Monday and watched this adventura! But let me say this – You do you. Do what you want, because at the end of the day Sean is right – this isn’t private, and with your horrific case of ‘foot in mouth’ disease and your constant noncomprehending comments on twitter will just lead to more tabloid stories and negative comments – than your “private” life was bargaining for.

On top of that though – I do wish you and Nikki well. Not proposing to her when you didn’t 100% feel it was the right thing to do. Being too proud and more concerned to stick it to ABC and not tell her you love her, and do ONE romantic thing to show her you are actually REALLY in this, was hard to watch especially when her face and heavy eyes were saying everything! Nikki – you are one strong woman and I’m convinced you will find the silver lining no matter what the outcome.

Andi – The New Bachelorette!

Taping started today and all I am actually looking forward to a much ‘smarter’ season! After this El Distastor – and my constant threatening to end these posts for good – I think ONE MORE blogging season to redeem ourselves from the doldrums is much needed don’t you? This will be my 6th season writing recaps. I have issues…clearly! But nonetheless Congratulations Andi – may what you’ve learned serve you well.

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And with that “We’re over!” Vindicated from our Monday shackles! Just like the rose master himself says – “To everyone that’s been a part of this one.”

Oh, and TV – we’re on a break… you’re too needy, it is you, it isn’t me… I’m going to cheat on you with Scandal and you’re just going to have to be okay with that.

2013 – Images and video courtesy of ABC Studios, Next Entertainment (NZK) via here and here
 

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2 Responses to BACHELOR JUAN PABLO: THE FAWKWARD FINALE

  1. Tera says:

    Whoever wrote this article, clearly doesn’t know how.

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