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Wow! Who ordered the tequila with a side of haterade! Last night we were waiting on it – that inevitable turning point where the sorority house has been unleashed. Girls turning on girls, “You totally said that!” – “Oh, no I didn’t!” phrases flying around and a veil of green envy shrouding the whole studio. But, that didn’t happen.
So what does it look like when 23 women turn on one guy? Well it’s either a Dane Cook movie or The Bachelor Women Tell All – Juan Pablo edition. He had no “regrets” – well the women we’re going to make sure that wasn’t true…
Sean & Catherine Post-Honeymoon -
(More of the awkwardness on Entertainment Weekly)
I wont spend too much time talking about Sean and Catherine’s wedding night which according to Catherine was about as quick as Chris Harrison took to get to the subject – (I believe the wifey’s phrase was ‘Quick Fireworks’…#poorSean). But why stop there, let’s talk more about awkward sexual encounters and specifically and excursion gone awry when a stingray pounced on Sean’s man parts!? Umm 1. I have held a stingray…. that seems like a difficult thing to accomplish. 2. Why do we need to know this!?! Please let it be over!
We’re not going to even talk about the muppets promo and miss Piggy’s frog drama – I got up and refilled my wine glass…
Finally – The Women Tell All-
Now I don’t know about you but I think my favorite part is when Chris Harrison re-introduces all of the girls. This time not much changed – Lucy still may not be wearing shoes – Andi found the perfect color dress, Danielle dazzled in white and Molly the dog made an appearance. So far no one seemed to have been riding the struggle bus since leaving Juan Pablo…
But while we were sizing up the ladies after 10 weeks, they were ready with ‘tongue whips in hand.’ Admittedly all the girls agreed Juan Pablo is a man ‘en fuego’ but that flame soon died with the 3 major gripes of the evening that the girls couldn’t seem to get over: 1. Camilla is not a lip-lock-blocker 2. You speak ENGLISH! 3. “‘Ess Okay!” is so last year and doesn’t fix things!
The episode quickly turned in to – John Tucker Must Die, and the banded together ex-girlfriends went to town when Chris Harrison asked them to reflect on their journey:
1. The girls think he’s hot – but like Andi said, “looks fade.” PREACH girl!
2. Kelly was the whistle blower of the night calling Lauren out on her “NON-feelings” for JP, and to stop pretending like she did! (Give this girl a talk show!)
3. Kat was sad she wasn’t a “special one.” Apparently JP had a special place for mommies – Rene and Cassandra. Clearly Kat’s impressive K-Pop dance moves didn’t get her on the list.
4. Sharleen called “Clare’s Ocean Experience” (should be a youtube video title) a case of “buyer’s remorse!” ZING!
5. Andi gave Clare the “shoulder shrug” putting some of the ownness back on Juan Pablo – “He willingly participated!” Man Andi is on fuego tonight!
Sharleen’s Hot Seat -
Now when I said I thought Sharleen was just flat out smarter than everyone else – it’s because she is. This girl had a perfect answer for everything. Some may call her weird but I am sure if you did – she would have an equally undercutting word that is way bigger, harder to spell and we don’t even know the meaning of, as a comeback! BAM! So when she came to Juan Pablo’s defense – admit it, we all cocked our head to the side like Molly the dog for a second. Why!?
Well when all his other conversations were accused for being lackluster – Sharleen let us know that it was them. ”It’s not like our conversation [with Juan Pablo] was non-existent. I found him very curious. He wanted to know about me and other people and other lifestyles and about my experiences — like, we had something to relate on.” Chris then had the audacity to ask if she could contain the “besitos” when Juan Pablo came out – come on dude – she’s got more self-control, class and apparently style than your left loafer.
Renee’s Hot Seat -
Now I don’t know about you but WOW! Renee looked AMAZING. Now I am not sure if this was – look at me now revenge wear or her new beau (aka. fiance) has her glowing. Let’s just go with both…
Renee’s exit was a sad one since we all wanted (past-tense) for it to work out for this mommy, but it sounds like “Camilla-scuses” got in the way of a few kisses that may have moved things a long a bit sooner. Nonetheless – Renee for sure won this break-up and we couldn’t be happier that she’s now got a new man!
Andi’s Hot Seat -
Now we know Andi has the best chance at Bachelorette Season 10 but she wasn’t going to let that be the reason she held her tongue. Not only did she want to strangle Juan Pabs for saying “Ess Okay” for like the 1 zillionth time – she basically said that the fantasy suite was just filled with negative vibes, and for that there would be no bed jumping, rocking or anything but fake sleeping to she could get the hell out the next morning. Wouldn’t a sneak-out caught on camera have been that much more juicy?
But who cares because Chris asks the million dollar question – Are you “open” to finding love Andi? Alright Chris… we gotcha! wink!
Juan Pab’s and the Harem -
Now we could go into how the next five minutes of this reminded me of the watering hole scene in mean girls and Juan Pabs was the fighting Wildebeast carcas but let’s just, Top 5 it and keep score…
1. Juan Pab’s doesn’t apologize – Rather he says something about being respected and all we can think about is how many times those lips have been around the block. He just says the one thing we should have created a drinking game for – “Ess okay!” – Juan Pablo 0 – Harem 1
2. Lauren tries to call him out – and fails again. Did you not learn when Kelly got you and hour ago? Juan Pablo can admit now he just didn’t want to kiss you, and you were pissed you were being “strung along.” Let’s clarify what “strung along” means in Bachelor language – PRODUCER PICK. Juan Pablo 1 – Harem 1.
3. Cassandra blocks with baby – So while she may have been a “special one” she said she would never introduce JP to Trey if it meant her ass getting canned after that episode. Au contraire our 21 year-old-mama, Juan Pabs disagrees, introduce as a “friend?”why not – grown-up’s can have friends too right? Juan Pablo 2 – Harem 1.
4. Lucy is the voice of reason – Yep shoeless girl speaks the truth! Yep, Lucy drives it home cutting through the crap explaining that special or not, they all wanted to feel like they had an individual relationship equally pursuant as all the others. Silly Lucy we all know Juan Pab’s many talents don’t include juggling…still way to stick it to him! Juan Pablo 2 – Harem 2.
5. But there’s always remaining issues – like Kelly’s Gay Bachelor issue as a tear drifts down her face and some “pervert” comment, which we learn is the same word in French, Spanish, Portuguese and English. Thank you to a sober Victoria for that one. So just because the harem can, they call him on his petty sh!t - Juan Pablo 2 – Harem 3.
It was a fair fight – right Kat?
Now since we are “running out of time” and Chris Harrison forgot to bring his gavel to the courtroom, we lighten things up with a blooper reel of falling things, bad english and random bugs/animals.
The preview for next week – is what caught our eye come on y’all – What’s he going to do?2013 – Images and video courtesy of ABC Studios, Next Entertainment (NZK) via here and here
There are times where I think Chris Harrison’s pre-emptive OMG! moments are less than climactic. Tuesday – well, let’s just say he was right shine the drama lights. While we may not have had the chance to watch an attorney cross Des’ our Bachelorette last season – we now know what it really looks like when you put a bi-lingual El Bachelor on the stand.
Oh los padres! Instead of titling this post send in the dogs – send in the parade of disapproving fathers. Now while Juan Pablo may have been looking for instant and drooling approval he wasn’t going to get it this time. Oh no!
It’s like every dead celebrity joke – too soon? Well that was last night’s episode of the Bachelor. Everything just seemed a little cringe worthy and wildly premature. Well after a world-wide tour of three countries – I am sure the girls are happy to be sitting in normal size non-hobbit houses, wearing tighter skirts and all getting along, back on U.S. soil. Well most of that is true…
What is this whole “like” – not “love” stuff? I thought we were supposed to end this season with another ice rink from Neil Lane and a TV wedding with overdone florals?