The Bachelorette is Back!

It’s Bachelorette Monday? What?!

I’m sorry, didn’t we just leave a cute blonde in a corn field somewhere like a few weeks ago? Well, this season who knows what the hell is going to go down. It’s a new game kids, new format; TWO Bachelorettes which means double the wine and tons of snarky tweets coming your way.

The Bachelorette

After last week’s press call both girls (Kaitlyn and Britt) both seem grateful to be chosen as our “Bachelorettes” but did I feel like I was talking to Romy and Michelle and it was all girl-gushing and post it notes? No. (more…)

May 18, 2015

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The Bachelor Season 19: Ep. 2 Top 10

I guess the thought of living in Iowa would drive me to drink. As if last week didn’t already leave us pointing judgy alcohol fingers, befriending a bale of hay in my spare time may cause me to hit the bottle a little harder than most. Such is the case with the 23 women left on Episode 2 of this season – where Chris Harrison will take on a new role, AA counselor. I heard he’s going to hold meetings in the hot tub…

ABC-The-Bachelor-2015-Chris-Soules-Episode-2

If you didn’t think The Bachelor could get any more ridiculous – it did. I have to hand it to ABC – I have never found myself belly laughing as much as I did last night – a short list to start of this post: House raids, outdoor showers, ghetto earrings on a tractor, Mr. Potato head, mesa verde and then there was the drunk girl. Doesn’t that sound like spring break circa 2007?

What was even better was though I didn’t get to “tweet along,” reading the flurried hashtag of hilarity that capitalized on tonight’s antics took the cake. (favorites here, here and here) I didn’t even have to get as far as twitters homepage when I took a glance at trending topics and what do you know Ashley S.’ crazy “Mesa Verde” BOOM babbling is up there with national championship. I’d call that a win – don’t you?

But – so as to not disappoint let’s get to this Top 10 recap:

1. Jillian and Megan raid Chris’ bungalow – though a unique adventure, I can’t say that many have the pleasure of their ass being blurred out by production due the to skank factor of their bathing suit (Jillian) while the other bangs her head against a wall in a helmet to “test its safety.” We’re off to a great start!

2. The virgin Ashley I is calling herself a Kardashian while riding on a tractor. Please tell me that you see what really wrong with this picture… she should have been riding backwards with the Yeezy!

3. On a more sobering note Juelia pours her heart out about her tragic loss. Then we cut to some chick named Samantha. Who da fuq?! Who the hell is this chick?

4. You know MacKenzie hasn’t been on a date in a really LONG time when topics of conversation include the cast of characters from Toy Story. Mr. Potato heads body parts, little aliens…  too much “Kale.”

5. She’s blonde haired, blue eyed and smiles a lot – (how my mother describes me) oh no wait – its Megan, with a heartbreaking story, on the perfect date ever. #meep.

6. Now this was by far the best moment of the entire night – Ashley S. playing paintball. If the terminator and Johnny Knoxville bred and had a daughter – she would be it. Girl is two ticks short of a nuthouse.

The Bachelor Season 19 Chris Soules - Ashley S Gun

 

7. But as normal as the others seem then we have Ashley I. Telling Chris to make wishes on her belly button ring only to then have him rub it and….turn him on? Now we know how the genie in Aladdin felt.

 

8. Then there’s always a tried and true drink girl to soften the blow. Jordan clearly didn’t take one out of Tara’s playbook. She went to the bar instead.

 

9. And then Jillian almost falls on her rock hard ass both figuratively and physically. If truly it hadn’t worked out – that would trump Juan Pablo’s cabbage patch kid incident.

 

10. Then if this episode didn’t get more hilarious Chris gives a rose to Ashley S.! It’s like the producers decided to give a gift that keeps on giving – Ashley S. may be the dumbest person on this season, scratch that on any season ever – and I dig it!

After an episode that restored my faith in the absurdity in this show – we’re starting to see some connections and a few of the background ‘lurkers’ move to the front. Whitney’s ‘whisky’ move definitely got her on Chris’ radar and let’s not forget about Britt – she can work her hair, tongue and gives great hugs, aka. all that a farmer could ever want in a wife.

We said goodbye to:

  • Tara – Poor Tara there are more bass fish in the sea.
  • Kimberly – “Don’t rose me once shame on you, don’t rose me twice okay fine I’ll go.”
  • Alissa – I hear first class has some hotties.
  • Jordan – TO THE BAR!
  • Tandra – Who?

 Wishing Chris another week of sanity and snuggle seshing which looks like it starts with Jimmy Kimmel. This is going to get interesting. Better yet – let’s put Ashley S. in a padded room with the Kimmel. Now that would be a cage match worth watching.

Till next week’s virgin diaries…

// BEST OF RECAPS //

People.com – The Bachelor Recap: The 4 Craziest Moments, Including Ashley S.’s Seeming Mental Breakdown

People.com – Chris’ Bachelor Blog – Chris Soules’s Bachelor Blog: ‘I Do Need to Come Clean About One Thing’ (worth the read)

The GaggleThe Bachelor Season 19, Episode 2: Too Many Ladies

Lou What Wear Three Wishes, Five Kisses

more to come…

 

January 13, 2015

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The Bachelor Season 19: Ep. 1 Top 10

I tried to hold off – I really did!

After last season’s epic ending – I swore off the ABC series. Let’s call it checking into rose rehab. But then as I found myself getting closer and closer to January 5th – the itch to take another drink from the proverbial glass of rose began again…

ASHLEY S., MACKENZIE, TRINA, WHITNEY, KELSEY, CHRIS SOULES, BACHELORETTES (more…)

January 6, 2015

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BACHELORETTE ANDI: After The Final Rose

Pshhh, and you thought that goodbye was truly final from my Bachelor blogging days. Oh you sweet, sweet readers. Well now comes the time and the episode none of us know NOTHING ABOUT – every detail, every twist, turn and tear is a total surprise… but then again I don’t think anyone expected what went down ‘After the Final Rose.’

Chris Harrison (more…)

July 29, 2014

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BACHELORETTE ANDI – FINALE – MEET “THE MURRAYS”

Well it’s official we have restored all that is good to The Bachelorette Franchise post-Juan Pablo! Despite the fact that I currently would love a cerveza – maybe we should switch to Champagne to congratulate “The Murrays!”

Andi and Josh - Bachelorette (more…)

July 29, 2014

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BACHELORETTE ANDI: The Men Tell All

Rose fans! It’s that time of the season again arguably my favorite episode of the franchise. Something about 20-ish dudes defending their on-screen feelings and seeing who came out buffer, scruffier and apparently who gained a few and grew some hair just says good TV to me. I know, fine I have weird taste but let me tell you tonights episode of the The Men Tell All certainly didn’t disappoint…. well at least after the first 30 minutes.

Men Tell All Andi (more…)

July 22, 2014

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BACHELORETTE ANDI: EP. 9 – El Farmer En Fuego

There’s only two time’s America has ever really cared about Iowa – during the caucuses and when #ChrisForBachelor start’s nationally trending on twitter. Kidding…sort of…

Bachelorette Andi (more…)

July 15, 2014

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BACHELORETTE ANDI: EP. 8 – HOME-DOWN

Y’all, I don’t know if I am missing JJ or was just too drunk to write the post after the amount of wine consumed on Monday. (Yes, I’m old, three days of recovery is needed) – just kidding. But I can tell you right now any family I meet/bring a boy home – the wine will sure be flowing. I mean how do you expect me to memorize the Duggar-esque family tree and all of it’s names or go for a long backyard pass completely sober? You must be out of your minds… “go home you’re drunk.”

Bachelorette Hometown - Andi - Josh (more…)

July 8, 2014

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BACHELORETTE ANDI: EP. 7 – PETAL SLAPPED

Okay its offish! The recap is here, we’re headed into hometowns and sh!t’s getting weird. Like Dylan rocking a ponytail, Marcus owning more than one pink shirt and Brian suffering from like the worst stress induced rosacea ever, weird. But don’t worry guys – it’s not like Chris Harrison paying a visit adds more pressure or anything…

Andi - Belgium Bachelorette (more…)

July 2, 2014

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BACHELORETTE ANDI: EP. 6 – VULNERABLE IN VENICE

It only took me a whole day to recover from the “Say bye to JJ” episode that left him and the cabbage patch kid rose less. More to come on our favorite childhood doll and pants lover but for now things are getting real. After this week we’re down to the Top 6 and Andi is starting to fall but for who? Well after the all the “lip locking and lies” it’s anyone’s game…

Andi Venice (more…)

June 25, 2014

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