I hope your Monday is starting off right and after a few stiff cups of coffee you have your sassy pants on because believe it or not “Juan-uary” is starting just 4 weeks from tonight! Are you ready to see your TV set on fire? Because this Bachelor is hotter than a bag of flaming Doritos – CALIENTE!
It’s no secret that ABC has scoured the country and the applications to find a suitable “soon-to-be” wife for the ex-soccer star turned America’s spicy pepper. After last season Juan Pablo left as a fan favorite. The father of daughter Camilla, (and according to eternal optimist – Chris Harrison) was chosen by America with an over-whelming response spent during his time with Desiree. Well I don’t know about me but based on the way they yell “GOAL!” in soccer – an overwhelming endorsement like that will pretty much get you the coveted Bachelor role.
What’s Bachelor is nothing without his 25 chicas – no? Yes, I admit it, these posts are going to have a sh*tload of Spanglish in them – get used to it. But what they don’t tell you is NO season goes on the air until I have had my first look/judgement/eye roll. I have to admit this may be the best round of headshots we have seen in a while but let’s see if Credentials, well curled hair and all are even remotely suitable for our Juan-a-peño! (How many pepper references do we think I can make this season! – Someone count…)
Alexis – 26, Tampa, FL – Besides the fact that she may use a little too much self-tanner (I’ll blame the photo shoot till she gets out of the limo…) her favorite book is the Bible. Really? She loves New York and Christmas movies and wants to be a Cuban missionary?…Now anything I say is going to make me look like a bitch…
Amy J – 31, Apopka, FL – She’s a massage therapist uses words like “belly” and takes the cake for best answer to: What do you hope to get out of the show? I hope to find love! And if He decides I’m not the girl for him, I hope to gain friendships, peace through time away, a greater understanding of people and love and the beautiful world around me. – She will be throwing up rainbows and offering free hugs to carebears later…
Amy L – 27, Clermont, FL – For a girl that loves the spotlight, someone forgot to tell her that this isn’t a Chiquita Banana commercial audition. She’s a “semi-swimsuit” model, loves tiki bars, water sports and those sleeves will make great floaties. There are no words for that top choice, I hope she regrets it now…
Andi – 26, Atlanta, GA – This girl feisty and a badass ADA and one of Atlanta’s most eligible – she convicted a murder in 8 minutes! Let’s just hope she leaves her legal references at home and can argue better than Michael G. – he had a little trouble with that last season. This one seems like she’s going to be around for a while. FAVORITE!
Ashley – 25, Roanoke, TX – This southern belle loves hers some football, boots, big hair and would bring dry shampoo on a camping trip. If she doesn’t make it with JP then someone best have Zach Waddell’s number on speed dial. – rumor is this elementary teacher worked at Twin Peaks, the hooters of Texas… I’ll give you a minute to process that.
Cassandra – 21, Shelby Township, MI – Really, 21? Do you know what I was doing at 21? My immaturity is beside the point. How she convinced producers she could be a mother to Juan Pablo’s daughter is beyond me.
Chantel – 27, Miami, FL – Well besides being geographically desirable this one has already started drinking the JP Caprihanas. She wants to fall in love with Juan Pablo and believes in the “fairy-tale.” Pretty sure she’s going to be more in love with the process and we may see her skipping around the house with scarves and hand if she EVER sees 1-on-1 time…
Chelsie – 24, Lexington, OH – And here come the parade of blondes. FINALLY! This pint sized bombshell, is an SJP fiend and a science educator which could mean museum clerk for all we know – ABC is pretty good about “fanci-fying” the job title.
Christy – 24, Aurora, IL – This marketing manager likes the chase and a good French manicure. Other than that – not much to work with here. Something tells me she’ll be the sport one in the house. Doesn’t seem like she’s ready to settle down – she needs some more excitement…
Clare – 32, Sacramento, CA – This low maintenance queen can get ready in an hour and this hairstylist looks like shes a whiz with the curling iron. Fine, I’ll buy it… but after 32 years this one seems like she’s going to be the mom of the house. Wise beyond her years this girl may actually be the real deal – She’s a FAVORITE.
Danielle – 25, Litchfield, IL – Aka. The new Leslie Hughes. Another model… and takes only 30 minutes to get ready, it’s the hair dear. If we all looked like a bichon frise it would take us 30 minutes too! Warhol, Hiking, Paris – sounds like she’s ready to fill out her Match.com profile… see ya, I give her 2/3 episodes max.
Elise – 27, Forty Fort, PA – This first grade teacher clearly is as sweet as pie! This former beauty queen has her own YouTube channel – only 16 subscribers… ouch, sorry no one wants to hear about little Timmy’s first grade boogers.
Kat – 29 Iowa City, IA – First of all I think this may be one of the first Bachelorettes from Iowa. (You Bach-nerds out there correct me if I am wrong) But besides this Medical Sales Rep’s muscular arms and dance body, All-American Kat likes champagne, Malcom Gladwell and has backpacked through Australia. Cultured and sophisticated I think JP is just the hot pepper she needs to spice things up. FAVORITE!
Kelly – 27, Conyers, GA – This one likes the drama. Also Part of Atlanta’s Most Eligible (I smell a spinoff show – BRAVO!) But despite her southern town status – this one knows what she’s destined for, to be a mother and a wife – a “real housewife” that is.
Kylie – 23, Rockford, IL – I think I have been waiting to comment on this girl since seeing that box died red hair of hers. I got some inside scoop on this one from a friend in Chicago – interior designer… nope, bartender yep! She must have a mean way with Feng-Shui-ing the bar stools. Apparently a “self-professed” model this one is ready to ride the wave to the next Bachelorette… her time VERY short lived, karma sucks, so does being there for ALL the wrong reasons.
Lacy – 25, Antelope Acres, CA – She likes Cheetos, people magazine and is from a family of 11. This low-maintenance family girl has 9 handicapped brothers and sisters and all she asks is that her date opens the door for her! Umm screw the Bachelor – this one’s just short of Sainthood. Too sweet for JP but I see a Drew Kenney date in her future…
Lauren H – 25, Edmond, OK – And here comes the Lauren’s! I think I am just excited to hear Juan Pablo say it! This one is apparently a stubborn jokester who may wear her heart on her sleeve a little too much – who wants to take bets that she will be the first to cry. She’s also a dead wringer Blakeley! Right?
Lauren S. – 26, Detroit, MI – This chick will certainly give Lauren’s a good name. This music composer, has baby fever and wanted kids like yesterday. I’d keep the lock on the fantasy suite JP… you may come out of this process with WAY more than you bargained for.
Lucy – 24, Santa Barbara, CA – So of all the occupations this one chose – free spirit. She once I organized a 50-person, fully nude dance party on a beach in Mexico and thinks she deserves to always be the center of attention. Oh man this one is going to get really old really fast and I am going to have so much fun with it!
Maggie – 24, Wagener, SC – This girl is going to be vying for that Southern Belle crown. Other than her sweet tea lovin’, God’s grace given personality I don’t see these two working EVER… short-timer here.
Nikki – 26, Kearney, MO – Her preferred type of dancing – drunk, she’s ‘ clothes on the floor messy’ and she’s guaranteed to play the “I save lives but I am obviously HOT” card. She also loves her some selfies. Book-cover judgement: I do not like this one at all. Potential byotch alert…
Renee – 32, Martha’s Vineyard, MA – Well this one grew up in about one of the best places ever! She likes Top Gun, calls herself reliable and loving. One who truly separates the women from the girls, this tom-boyish one may be around for a while and be able to rise above. FAVORITE!
Sharleen – 29, Ottawa, Canada – An opera singer. Please whatever you do, do NOT sing out of the limo. Apparently this one hates applause after a performance – umm hello noroceese! If you feel like asailing your ears – big surprise, a simple Google search led me to YouTube.
Valerie – 26, Sutter, CA – This personal trainer is ready to run circles around JP! An outdoorswoman and hiker this one has figured it all out. An “impressive cook – she knows the way to a man’s heart – through his stomach!
Victoria – 24, Porto Alegre, Brazil – Who’s to bet that this Brazilian beauty has the smallest swimsuit and wears heels to the pool. Oh and she loves cats – it’s always those that turn out to be the crazy ones…
Sou count it – I have exactly 4 favorites! They are: Andi, Clare, Kat and Renee. Now I am not calling anything now but I think I can read people pretty well. But then again let’s see what happens after night 1!
And now for a little taste –Images courtesy of ABC Studios, Next Entertainment (NZK)